Balance.It is something I always yearn for. Try as I might, many times I fail. Shonda Rhimes, in her book Year of Yes discusses the idea of "having it all" and how the idea is total and utter BS. You cannot have it all. She talks about the idea of constantly failing. When she is out being an award winning TV show writer she is missing out on experiences of being a mom and when she is at home cuddling with the kids, she is missing out on important parts of her career. I identify with this so much.
When you see a speaker on the stage in front of you, social norms dictate that they have "made it. " A room full of people want to hear what they say. So when you see me as a speaker and learn that I also have two kids, many assume that I have found the professional unicorn of "having it all. " And I haven't. I feel exactly like Shonda: like I am failing on multiple frontiers at once.
But one icy afternoon as Erinne and I walked through Boston in between two Nor'Easters, we talked about seasons and how this idea of how you may not have everything in your life all at once, but you can have everything eventually.
When I was in dental school, I had my first son in third year. It was the right time and I knew if I waited for the "perfect" time, I would be waiting forever. So my husband and I weighed the costs and benefits and we started planning our family. As soon as I got pregnant, my life changed. In the midst of dental school, stress was a way of life. We would stress about everything: requirements, patients, cases, our inability to do treatment, exams, grades, you name it. I am a stress maniac. I am not programmed as low key, so when most people stress, I take it to a whole other level.
But literally overnight, with the presence of two pink lines on a stick, I realized that the stress I had been eating and breathing and living for three years was now a toxic poison to the thing I loved beyond reason, my child. When it was the toxic poison it was to me (and trust me, stress is a toxic poison) I swallowed it. I never thought about what it was doing to me. But now that the health concerned was my son's, I slammed on the breaks. Overnight, I learned how to meditate and clear my mind and control my breathing. And I made a pact that as long as my child was healthy, happy and safe I was not going to sweat the small stuff again.
With that awareness of Nidhaan in my belly, I began a season of my life, a season of being a mother and actively growing a life. In that season, when patients would cancel or requirements would pile up, my focus was on other priorities. I let go of extracurriculars which had been my life before. When opportunities to get involved came up, a slam dunk "yes" just months before now became a "No, thank you. " But after Nidhaan was born, although being his mother as a foremost priority would never change, my season changed again.
I knew that if my goal was to graduate on time and become a dentist, then I needed to focus my energies on getting done and learning the skills I would need for a lifetime. So a mere three weeks after giving birth, I packed my Medela pump into my car, wiped tears from my eyes and went back to a full time schedule of patients and classes. I knew that this was a season to put pedal to the metal and to do what I needed to do.
Some seasons will exist in life when family actively comes first at the cost of perhaps advances in your career. Taking care of a sick loved one, visiting a family member you have not seen in years, attending a wedding or monumental event of someone you care about. And in this season, your actions will shift towards a goal or value you are giving higher priority to. And in other seasons, even though your values have not changed, the priorities will shift.
This is the closest humans can get to balance.
Sometimes these seasons will be short, a weekend or evening only. This weekend, as Rocky Mountain Dental Convention comes around the corner, I know I will be living out of my car for 16 hour work days for three days of RMDC. And although I am a mother before anything, without changing these values, I will miss bedtimes and dinner and cuddles. And although this devastates me, I know that this is a season and like all seasons, it too shall pass. It too shall yield to a Sunday night with my kids cuddled under a warm blanket eating popcorn and watching Harry Potter.
I have learned to find happiness and fulfillment in the moment, in the season I am currently focusing on. I have learned to welcome the change when the season turns and with it, comes new joy and new potential.
When you see a speaker on the stage in front of you, social norms dictate that they have "made it. " A room full of people want to hear what they say. So when you see me as a speaker and learn that I also have two kids, many assume that I have found the professional unicorn of "having it all. " And I haven't. I feel exactly like Shonda: like I am failing on multiple frontiers at once.
But one icy afternoon as Erinne and I walked through Boston in between two Nor'Easters, we talked about seasons and how this idea of how you may not have everything in your life all at once, but you can have everything eventually.
When I was in dental school, I had my first son in third year. It was the right time and I knew if I waited for the "perfect" time, I would be waiting forever. So my husband and I weighed the costs and benefits and we started planning our family. As soon as I got pregnant, my life changed. In the midst of dental school, stress was a way of life. We would stress about everything: requirements, patients, cases, our inability to do treatment, exams, grades, you name it. I am a stress maniac. I am not programmed as low key, so when most people stress, I take it to a whole other level.
But literally overnight, with the presence of two pink lines on a stick, I realized that the stress I had been eating and breathing and living for three years was now a toxic poison to the thing I loved beyond reason, my child. When it was the toxic poison it was to me (and trust me, stress is a toxic poison) I swallowed it. I never thought about what it was doing to me. But now that the health concerned was my son's, I slammed on the breaks. Overnight, I learned how to meditate and clear my mind and control my breathing. And I made a pact that as long as my child was healthy, happy and safe I was not going to sweat the small stuff again.
With that awareness of Nidhaan in my belly, I began a season of my life, a season of being a mother and actively growing a life. In that season, when patients would cancel or requirements would pile up, my focus was on other priorities. I let go of extracurriculars which had been my life before. When opportunities to get involved came up, a slam dunk "yes" just months before now became a "No, thank you. " But after Nidhaan was born, although being his mother as a foremost priority would never change, my season changed again.
I knew that if my goal was to graduate on time and become a dentist, then I needed to focus my energies on getting done and learning the skills I would need for a lifetime. So a mere three weeks after giving birth, I packed my Medela pump into my car, wiped tears from my eyes and went back to a full time schedule of patients and classes. I knew that this was a season to put pedal to the metal and to do what I needed to do.
Some seasons will exist in life when family actively comes first at the cost of perhaps advances in your career. Taking care of a sick loved one, visiting a family member you have not seen in years, attending a wedding or monumental event of someone you care about. And in this season, your actions will shift towards a goal or value you are giving higher priority to. And in other seasons, even though your values have not changed, the priorities will shift.
This is the closest humans can get to balance.
Sometimes these seasons will be short, a weekend or evening only. This weekend, as Rocky Mountain Dental Convention comes around the corner, I know I will be living out of my car for 16 hour work days for three days of RMDC. And although I am a mother before anything, without changing these values, I will miss bedtimes and dinner and cuddles. And although this devastates me, I know that this is a season and like all seasons, it too shall pass. It too shall yield to a Sunday night with my kids cuddled under a warm blanket eating popcorn and watching Harry Potter.
I have learned to find happiness and fulfillment in the moment, in the season I am currently focusing on. I have learned to welcome the change when the season turns and with it, comes new joy and new potential.